A Maternal Red-Eye

October 11, 2023

I was going through one of the lowest points of my PhD and I got a "gentle" reminder that life outside of my academic bubble wasn't going to wait for me to finish my degree.

My mom is dying.

I feel almost guilty saying it, as if I'm willing it into existence instead of plainly stating the truth. I saw my mother for the first time in a couple of months and I knew that something was wrong. I've seen her sick before, and she even mentioned it before coming into the city-- but I've never seen her like this. She was wearing her glasses because her right eye was irritated and swelling. She thought she had pink eye, but there were no indications that it was conjunctivitis...just the corneal inflammation. Turns out the rhuematism diagnosis that she powered through for years came back to bite with a vengeance...except this time it was winning. Cue slowly watching her lose her ability to dance, walk, or even sit up right without her joints swelling up. As of 2025 she has stopped working and is permanently disabled.

Not to make my mother's suffering all about me, but I really didn't need this right now. I was barely holding myself together as is and I'm not sure if I could mentally process this new development without imploding, so I did the only thing I knew how: I set my emotional turmoil aside for a more convenient time. By the way, don't do this.

One of the many life lessons forced upon me during my graduate school career was that there are things more important than grad school. Your advisor may not want you to realize this, and your impostor syndrome might make you feel shame for realizing it, but it's true. I can always finish my degree, but I can't regain whatever time I have left with my mom. Even with the amount of work I was consumed with, I knew this wasn't a reality I could necessarily deny.

That summer of 2024 I made it a point to spend more time with my mom. We went on vacation together and took a spa day in Atlantic City. She started a new medication regimen that combatted the swelling and the fatigue. It's not perfect, and it won't ever be, but that's ok. Unlike the constant need to strive for excellence that academia thrusts upon you, having fun is just that: fun.

I don't want to finish a degree where the main product is regret. Neither should you.